Already Great

I was a little apprehensive about this post, first half included. First of all, I feel a little bit like I’m airing our dirty laundry out in public. Secondly, it doesn’t seem like a great idea to talk about your vaginal odor publicly when you’re a swinger, or trying to be a swinger is more the case lately. Lastly, it also seems like a bad idea to share how childhood sexual assault has fucked up your psyche. But, I don’t think talking about relationship problems should be frowned upon, and vaginal odor is a thing every woman deals with, or at least that’s what the Internet and Amy Schumer say, so please don’t take that from me. And as far as talking about Tom, anytime I feel embarrassed or ashamed about being raped, I try to face it head on. Of course it’s uncomfortable, and I do feel embarrassed and ashamed at times, but it is what it is.

I am not fragile because I was raped, I am tough. And I do not want to be treated like a peach. I’m probably never going to warm up to bondage, but I’ll get off to a good mouth fucking any day of the week.

So I’m not sure I’ll ever understand what Mr. Right’s plan was to address the YPC (Yuvonna Pussy Crisis). But I have to remember that he is a very simple minded man  who does not like confrontation, and I am an incredibly complex, over-analyzing woman who thrives on confrontation. But for anyone out there who feels like they don’t know how to confront their partner about vaginal odor, try something like:

“Baby you know I love going down on you and making you feel good, but you seemed a little off last night. Have you been drinking enough water?”. Done. And if she can’t handle that, it’s beyond you.

This whole pussy eating thing has gotten so out of control, I just don’t let him go down on me anymore. Mr. Right hasn’t had his mouth on my vagina since he was wasted at the swinger club 4 months ago and insisted on doing it to flaunt his tail feathers. And frankly, Molly is the only reason that happened. Molly is our good friend who brings us lots of joy.

At some point I realized the YPC was detrimental to my relationship with Mr. Right because it affected how I felt about Mr. Right going down on other women. If he wasn’t going down on me simply because I didn’t let him, that would be one thing. But it made me feel jealous to know he enjoyed eating pussy, just not my pussy, and the thought of seeing him between another woman’s legs made me feel…

sad
sad and lonely.

 

Obviously I know it’s unreasonable to put Mr. Right in a situation where he never gets to go down on anyone ever again. I talked to Mr. Right about all my feelings and concerns, but he’s not much of a talker and nothing was ever actually addressed. So I let the YPC be, and we didn’t talk about it further till recently.

Recently, I’ve started to open up to men in the LS. I’m all about a lot of women, but typically want to cling to Mr. Right when their partner comes around. The first time we soft swapped with a couple, Mr. Right had to remind me to give the other guy in the swap some attention. The times are a changin’ though. About a month ago I found myself trying to masturbate to the fantasy of swapping with another couple, but my fantasy kept reaching a dead end with no pussy eating involved. I know it’s a fantasy, but I like to be realistic.

It was a major eye opener that I needed to get the YPC in check, obviously for so many reasons, but wanting to know what it feels like to enjoy someone else down there was serious motivation. Up until that point it was easy to put the issue on the back burner. Mr. Right didn’t push it, I didn’t push it, easy-peasy. But now, I want to feel like a desirable, sexy, woman who can go flaunt her lady trophy with confidence and brownies. I had it at one point…

original_url: 819094D9-582B-4D66-A117-08E41FDE1DE5

So I started doing my research and experimenting with probiotics and supplements for vaginal and digestive health. I started talking with Mr. Right about it more, and really started to think about how to confront the recurring psychological barrier. I also understand I should go to the gyno to make sure everything is in balance, but I don’t want to. What if everything is in balance and Mr. Right just doesn’t like my smell? I mean, I guess I will have no choice but to deal, but I would go from this:

sad

to this…

broken

Broken heart  or not, I have to talk to a vagina professional. We have to get over, or around this roadblock somehow. We have literally come to a stop in every direction: at home, in my imagination, and with others. 

A few weeks ago we went to this swinger motel and I ended up inviting a couple back to our room. I know, this is crazy, because I should have expected it, but when Mr. Right asked this woman if he could go down on her I couldn’t handle it. I tried to let it go, I wanted to, I tried to just focus on the cock in my mouth, but when I saw Mr. Right in position, I couldn’t help but break the flow. I imagine I looked up exactly like this:

deer2

 

The woman, her husband, and Mr. Right all saw the look on my face because they all asked if I was ok with it, the woman even said, “are you sure?”. And I said yes, because I felt pressured, and I’m a little cowardly sometimes. I felt stupid saying no. Mr. Right was already ready to dive in. Plus, I had just asked them a few minutes before if they might be interested in full swapping. So I guess I should be ok with the pussy eating, right? I mean, I guess not really, but it seems that way. I had asked if they would be interested in swapping since I thought we were limited on the foreplay action and I was feeling the vibe. Probably a really good thing we didn’t get that far. Like maybe we should work out the pussy thing instead of just avoiding it, even though that was clearly mine and Mr. Right’s first choice.

The woman must have asked me 2 more times if I was sure it was ok, probably because the look I was giving Mr. Right said otherwise, but I reassured her it was fine. I’m sure it was no surprise to the woman when it wasn’t 2 minutes before I said, “I’m sorry you guys, I just can’t do this”.  I had tried telling myself there was absolutely no reason to say no. I enjoyed watching Mr. Right eat other pussy before the YPC came back full force.

Of course I felt jealous, but me and Mr. Right had not been on the same team in the LS for a few weeks, and that situation made it pretty clear we had not leveled up. It didn’t feel healthy. A complete stranger was able to read and react to my body language better than Mr. Right. I said I was ok with something I wasn’t. We shouldn’t have put ourselves in that position knowing the scale and sensitivity of our issue, we certainly shouldn’t have pulled other people in to it. This was seriously irresponsible swinging people.

And it was fine, the couple was understanding, the woman was so kind and sympathetic in sharing a similar insecurity they dealt with when they first started exploring the LS. 

I do think I would have been able to get past it if Mr. Right had acknowledged me first. A simple, “baby, do you think you would be ok with me going down on her?”, would have made me feel like we were on the same team. I would have said yes as a way of saying, “it means a lot that you put my feelings before your pleasure, of course you deserve to eat pussy even if we’re at odds with mine”. I still would have felt a little jealous, but I would have understood it and been able to set it aside. There’s just no way I wouldn’t have rewarded Mr. Right for doing that. I’m all about positive reinforcement.

Technically, he did ask me. But let’s be clear that he asked after she accepted his request, after they switched positions, and after I looked up like a deer caught in headlights. In Mr. Rights defense, he claims that asking me after getting her consent and getting in position was his plan of action. He thought it was the best way to make the situation comfortable for me. Take from that what you will.

bologna
My take.

That said, that situation, ALL OF THIS, does not fall on either of our shoulders, we are both to blame. I very much understand my role in letting the YPC spiral out of control.

Sometimes, I might focus on the wrong things and fall prey to being a victim instead of doing what needs to be done to move forward. The list of double standards I’ve held Mr. Right to in this crisis is outstanding. Sometimes I do that stuff, but usually I’m just amazing and right.

When all is said and done, and the YPC passes, we will be even better than we are now. And despite all the drama and heartache, preventable as it may be, we are already pretty fucking great. So there is a lot of light at the end of this tunnel. 

Fuck, I can not wait to get back on the proud pussy train. 

pussytrain
Happy hump day!

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